"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." ~ Psalm 27:13 (New International Version)
Despite challenges, I have so much to be grateful for this day and in this life. In reflection of my thoughts over the years (through journal entries), I am so grateful for God in my life, first and foremost. I am also very grateful for my family, especially those who I spend the most time with.
But, it is not a 24/7 thankful FEST...
- I lament
- I grieve
- I worry
- I get discouraged
- I disconnect from those that mean the most to me
- I have down moments
But most of all, I have hope in my Father's promises.
I have the best encouragers ever - a very special thank you to my daughter, who is also my sister in Christ, who helps me in so many ways, including being my nurse-maid. And, I am grateful for my granddaughter, who will someday know how her delivery into my life creates "new hope" daily.
[We have seen God’s mercy and wisdom: how shall we respond?] With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all His demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity." ~Romans 12:1 (J.B. Phillips New Testament)
May 11 at 10:57am · (a recent lament)
There are days when I just don't feel part of anything. Chronic illness is more than life interrupted, it's relationships and responsibilities severed - not out of malice or uncaring attempts, but it just is. God is the constant, but I have to admit that in the experiences of each day, moment to moment, it can be quite isolating to say the least. Those who I held most dear for many years, just slipped out of my daily contact. And, I can reach deeper into my faith, praise God for all that He has done, be grateful for the good days, while I mourn the loss of relationships. As far as responsibilities, they are forcing me to live more simply - wondering how I was ever so busy in the first place. That in those times when my illness didn't hinder, why I didn't focus more on the relationships that were so important. We cannot control others, but we can control our reaction to things in this life. At the moment, and for quite some time, I am mourning so much loss and day to day is a thread. Understanding that I was the one relating... reaching out, communicating and being concerned for others - living for Christ, without regard for how I felt.
This past year has been a time of reducing so much, but taking on so much as well. I have no regrets, but expectations to continue this fight, to submit more completely to our Father in heaven and stand strong in the strength of the Holy Spirit. Is it easy? Not at all, and impossible on my own – but is expected through and in Christ.
After writing, I was reminded, as I am so often, I am not alone. My isolation is temporary.