Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day 866 of Giving Thanks

Not many people know this, but there were some very dark times in my life. Times that turning around made no difference and waking up seemed to be a disappointment. Hard to believe, right? It is for me too.

Often I look back, and so much has changed that the reflection is skewed, almost like remembering a movie that you watched but were very disinterested in or overhearing a story that hurts to listen to, so you tune a lot of it out. I don’t know if you can relate, but this is what those really dark times are to me. I know that we are not to dwell in the past, yet I also realize that the light I now live in, can be lived in for all of us… we just have to keep turning around, waking up and taking the next step.

Where are You taking this tonight LORD? Is this a story to share? Keep me focused on You, as I look back into the darkness to relay Your light, in the blood of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

There was a moment in my memory of weight upon me, I was frightened, suffocating in that moment, then there was no more to the memory. I was not quite in school, but the smell of aftershave, the feel of rough skin and the unknown taunted me for years. And the enemy used it.

There were insecurities, so many insecurities and lacks, that I can’t define now, and they overwhelmed my young mind. The voice in my head was constant, “You’re not good enough. You’re too fat or stupid”. The teasing and taunting that came from other children kept me awake at night as a child, “I was so small, ugly, stupid”. On the mats, balance beam or uneven bars, I was in control, I was the best, I was unstoppable. Then plagued by an ankle injury… winning was all I wanted, but competing was near impossible. One day during practice, I let go of the top bar; as I lay on the floor, unable to move, horror struck me, “I was done”.

By some miracle, my back injury recovered, and new issues persisted, the voices in my head; coach changes, team changes and way too many changes. I started to spiral emotionally. School was harder. Home was harder. I was having nightmares, insomnia and drastic weight loss – I was twelve. I was still an elite athlete outwardly, but in my head, I just couldn’t measure up. I was up at 5:30 and at the gym, school for a few hours, then back at the gym. By the time I was 14, there was talk of the Olympics. Then the news came. My dad needed to leave L.A., he was suffocating from the smog; he had emphysema and he needed a better climate. In December, of my freshman year in high school, we moved. Everything I had worked for was gone. There was no team, no practice, no Olympics, no more “me”. I had an opportunity to stay behind, but my parents didn’t want that.

I tried to fit in, but could not. It was too different. I went from a high school of over 3,000 students, where, as a freshman I was on the varsity gymnastic team and moved to a town of 3,000 residents. The adjustment was hard to say the least. The enemy told me many lies during these times.

I was involved in a few things, youth group at church (but I hadn't known Jesus yet), a club here and there, cheerleading one year, barely passing grades and always a smile on my face, I was dying inside. Right before my sophomore year, my weight had gone down to under 90 lbs, granted I was quite small, but for 4’11”, and a girl in puberty, that was drastic. One night I was home alone, and opened the aspirin bottle and took a handful, not enough to do much damage under normal circumstances, but I am allergic to aspirin. I really don’t remember much of the next day or so, I do remember feeling horrible for the strain and stress I caused my parents. This was 1980, and I never talked about it again until last week.

Why am I telling this? Because there is hope in our testimonies. There is God’s work in the messes and misunderstandings of our circumstances. Through the years, the enemy continued to speak to me in whispers, bold lies and falsehoods that shaped my thoughts. But I am here to tell you that he is nothing; Satan has already lost, and he is angry. He does not care about anything except his need to be worshiped (in every dismissal of God's pleas on our lives, we worship evil) and his need to see God’s people not worship our Creator. I am here to tell you that there is healing beyond comprehension and restoration toward perfection. I am here to tell you that God loves you; always has. He never wants you to hurt or make bad decisions, but is there to pick you up. I am here to tell you that in the dark, when you attempt to turn to light, He is shining it, drawing you near and reaching for you. I am here to tell you that your thoughts can change. I am here to tell you I am grateful for my journey, even and especially the dark times, because I now know that God never left me, I shut Him out, yet He kept calling me. Now, that is an amazing God.

He created me, wonderfully and amazingly. Today, there is a “me”; whom my God loves so greatly. The enemy used much in the past, but God uses it all for His good and the furthering of the Kingdom. I encourage you to share your testimony. He will turn your misery into His ministry.



© 2012 Giving Thanks Daily, Shawn Boreta
Web: http://shawnsgivingthanksdaily.blogspot.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150327530757809

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We are Wonderfully Made (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wonderfully-Made/130178720330362), living to encourage and Equip His People (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Equip-His-People-Ephesians-411-13/170487976325407) and completely committed to believing greatly Psalm 139 with purpose (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Psalm-139-with-purpose/183264461708034).

Shawn Delia Boreta

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I love people. My life has been spent seeking new friendships and helping others. God's gifting is being worked out into His plan for me. I am excited to share insights of His leadings and lessons.