Chris and I had been married for less than six months at that time, and the rest of the conversation took all the wind out of me. As I sat at my desk, looking out the window, I was trying to explain to myself how I would explain to my new husband that I had HPV, and “Oh by the way, I have cancer.” My doctor had been busy. He had somehow tracked down all the medical records I could not. He had discovered that my last 5 pap smears had been positive, yet I had never been told. His voice was firm, and his tone was urgent.
As I sat at my desk I was unable to cry or even conjure up an emotion. I didn’t pray, because I didn’t know God. I did ask, “Why” with the understanding that no answer was available for me. I knew of God, but that “God” I grew up with was big, too big for my problems. The next few days were a blur, preparing, calling family and wondering, “What if…” As I sit here now, I can remember the concerns for my daughter, the shock of preparing for the unknown and the pain and heartache of all my mistakes and errors in judgment that brought me to that point.
There was so much to prepare for, yet, I was not prepared at all to confront this enemy. I had already had years of illness, abuse, and this just seemed like one more thing to ignore or deny. The surgery was successful, and all the preparations were well placed, for it all prepared me for the next four rounds and surgeries; six months later the process started all over again; the next one three months later and the last and final one a year after that. I am grateful to say that I am cancer free, but I was not healed in the manner I was created for. I still was in great need.I was afraid. I knew there had to be more. And, from that birthday in 1999 until October 30th, 2002, I saw God move, but only in retrospect. As I reflect on His work now, I am in complete awe that I am His. Through a life of giving into the world, believing the lies of the enemy and coveting all that is not pure and wonderful, I have been able to know His goodness of the journey - this journey for which I am truly grateful. Today the physical battles are not over, but I know that I already have victory over this world. The battle is all around me, but I know that it’s His fight and I am to rest in Him.
“Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.” ~Psalm 116:7 (Amplified Bible)
And, from October 30th, 2002 until today, I have learned many things, the greatest of which is to lean on Him, and not lean on my understanding of things at all. I know that I am His masterpiece, His amazing creation.
“And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.” ~Galatians 6:9 (Amplified Bible)
This birthday, there is nothing but “Good news” and a great deal of prayer. I love how things change, I love how I have changed.
© 2012 Giving Thanks Daily, Shawn Boreta
Web: http://shawnsgivingthanksdaily.blogspot.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150418958162809
*****************
We are Wonderfully Made (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wonderfully-Made/130178720330362), living to encourage and Equip His People (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Equip-His-People-Ephesians-411-13/170487976325407) and completely committed to believing greatly Psalm 139 with purpose (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Psalm-139-with-purpose/183264461708034).
No comments:
Post a Comment