by Tina Wetor
Out of the depths of every soul cries for the desire to be accepted, loved and valued-especially by one's parents. If this desire isn't fulfilled, children will search for anything or anyone to relieve the deadly ache inside. As a child of an abusive-alcoholic father, I ached for the love and acceptance of my father. Daily, I would try to be a good child with straight A's, active in school sports, kept my room clean, and performed in various church activities to show my worth to my father. Nevertheless, all of my efforts were worthless and meaningless to a bottle of liquor. As each bottle of beer I opened for him, I knew he was trying to find relief for his pain inside. The dangerous test was how many beers it would take for the pain to erupt to inside him. All of the anger and pain would be felt in extreme measures by those around him. My father always had a woman to love in his life but his controlling nature destroyed the ability for it to be a lifelong commitment. Sadly, he divorced three times with two daughters to raise. All of the divorces were for the same reasons: physical and emotional abuse. My half-sister and I would witness a world of seeing beautiful woman become unrecognizable, manipulated, destroyed, and not respected. So many women came through our doors but left broken, battered, and alone. I never could understand why so any women dated him. He was a handsome man but completely troubled. Sadly, my own family knew of the abuse but no one assisted, cared about us, or reached out to protect us. We were always to blame for our father's behavior because we were "bad girls". I never received physical abuse from my father but I got a verbal beating every night he was drunk. I would pretend to be asleep to try to avoid this confrontation, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. On these bad occasions, he would wake me up to and demand me to come to the kitchen. From the late hours to the early morning, I would be cut with his lashing tongue. The words my father spoke destroyed my self-worth completely. Of course, I can't write the words here but I will advise no one can image the horror of these words. The hardest part was it was my own father, the one who is supposed to know me and love me. I made a promise to myself; I will find love in my life.
My father had complete physical custody of me but not my half-sister because no one had legal custody of her. My mother knew of the events taking place through a private investigator but my mother legally couldn't get me out. Shortly a year after my parents’ divorce, they married someone else. With his new family, my father decided to move to Texas because of a job offer but never told my mother. Since my father moved us to another state, she had no legal jurisdiction to do anything. My mother's only hope was if I moved back to the state where the divorce took place.
After my parent's divorce, my mother gave her life to Jesus Christ who transformed her life completely. Until I was three, I was able to attend church with her on the weekends I came to visit her. Attending church would always hold precious memories in my heart but I never dreamed it would capture my life the way it did. From the age of three to twelve, I didn't have a relationship with my mother because of the distance but also my father's controlling behavior. He wouldn't allow me to read her letters or open packages she sent me without his presence. He was afraid she was planning to take me away from him. All of the phone conversations were closely monitored with my dad on the line or closely nearby.
I didn't make many close friends except a few but I wouldn't allow them to get too close to me. Besides my family troubles, I wasn't the most popular girl due to my physical appearance; I had the most horrible teeth. I couldn't bite into a sandwich or eat like the other kids, it was completely impossible to do so. I couldn't see anything beautiful about myself. The events in my life would soon change after discovering my father's Bible on his dresser. While reading the scriptures, I found the love I longed for. My Heavenly Father created me with a divine purpose, cherished me, and wanted me.
Psalm 27: 10 says, "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
During this time of searching, I became friends with a girl at school whose parents were totally in love with God. They would always take me to services or events with them, allow sleep overs, and just loved being with me. I could tell something was different about them but I just didn't know what it was. In the church, the ladies adopted a girl in the church to minister to them. They would send birthday cards or presents, daily pray for them, or take them out to dinner or shopping. My best friend's mother displayed the love of God to others, I got to witness this, because I was the one she adopted. God's love was completely evident in her life but the greatest gift she gave me was self-worth. The body of Christ invested me their time and money to give me the greatest gift to a girl with low self-esteem-braces. All of the ladies of the church held bake sales, garage sales, or donated money for me to get braces. My adopted mother came to share the news with my father and me. All of the expenses for the visits, cleanings, and fillings were paid for by the church, they only needed my father's permission to do it. My father approved of their gift of love, I was completely beside myself. I couldn't believe someone loved me enough to care for me. Who was I? It started of a journey for me get to know God. Wow, if a whole church could except me or love me, maybe I worth something to God, I dared to find out. In the Old Testament, I would read all of the miraculous stories of deliverance, so I started wondering if God was willing to rescue me.
In prayer one night, I made a vow to God with complete honesty and truth. I said, "If you are really the God in this book, I want you to prove it." "If you will allow me to meet my mother again, I will completely give you my life forever." This prayer was answered with a dream from God but it was soon going to be fulfilled. In my dream, I saw two angels holding my father and myself in the air. While flying in the air, I could see the map of the United States. We were leaving Texas and coming back to Maryland where I was born. Two weeks after this dream, my father shared the glorious news, we were moving back to Maryland. My mind couldn't wrap around the fact God answered my prayer; it was just too awesome to speak of.
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, my father's truck pulled into my grandmother's drive-way to a new beginning in my life. After unpacking, I asked my father if I could call my mother, he gave me permission. I couldn’t' wait to tell her, I was finally home. During the conversation with her, I advised her of my arrival to my grandmother's house. She almost dropped the phone in disbelief, so I had to describe my grandmother's house. She asked if she could see me, my father allowed it. My parents lived a half-hour distance from each other but my mother arrived in fifteen minutes. Before she arrived, I had butterflies in my stomach. All of these questions were plaguing my heart, "Would she like me?" "What's her favorite color?" "What did she look like?" "Will she love me?" While I walking in the hallway, I heard her voice in the living room. I almost couldn't move but I just had to know the truth. Finally, I was able to get the nerve to go around the corner to the strongest hug of my life from the most beautiful woman in the world-my mother. My mother was granted permission to have me for the weekend, I almost couldn't believe it. School was starting next week, so she took me shopping, to the beauty salon, and out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. My mother and step-father spoiled me rotten during my first weekend visit. I was never showed with so much love and attention. As the visits continued with my mom, I attended the same church I remembered as a child.
Before I gave my life to Jesus, I was telling everyone about His great love for us. I would talk to anyone who had ears, whether they listened or not. I didn't care, I found true love. Well, are you ready for the rest of the story? I fulfilled my end of the deal; I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ at the age of twelve years old. I wish I could say my father quit drinking but he never did. So, I decided to move in with my mother who got complete custody of me on Mother's Day. Who says God doesn't do miracles well? My father didn't fight it or anything which was another great miracle of God. Through this act of love, I couldn't doubt the depth of His love for me. Other people didn't care about me or pushed me away but He never did. His love rescued me from the pain, abuse, and gave me life. As I grew in the grace and knowledge of Christ, I developed a deep passion for the study of God's Word. I spent long nights in prayer and Bible study because it was my sanctuary.
After becoming a Christian, I always believed God's way would be the best for my life, so I asked God what he desired for me. So, I tried my best to live a godly life before my peers, my family, and even strangers. Everyone deserves to know God's love for without it there is no hope, purpose, or life. I can never stop praising His name for out of the depths of sin, He lifted me out. His love gave me a new heart, a new life, and fulfilled a purpose-to preach the Gospel. At the age of fourteen, I started preaching the Gospel for its salvation to all who believe. My life's purpose is to share the love of Jesus Christ to the world. His love rescued me, it will also rescue you.
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