I am normally quite transparent, yet I try not to dwell on any one emotion, referring to everything at a distance, while still revealing my heart. Today, as I sit here I am compelled to dig a little deeper; to be not just transparent, but to have “see through” clarity. I have had physical pain as long as I could remember – and today, I believe it dulls only because it is “normal”. This is not meant to boast or to make anyone feel sorry for me for it is what it is. I am grateful that, for the most part, the non-physical pain is resolved, even as new emotions come in, I now know how to handle them. I give everything to God.
“Suffering is a test of faith… God’s love calls you in suffering, respond by self-surrender, and you will learn the mystery of love.” ~J. Messner
For two nights in a row, the pain has been intense and non-stop - as I fall to sleep, I have a sensation that is indescribable and has only subsided with deep conversations to God. The sensation is one that is very familiar to me, it is a pressure which seems to be between the skin and the muscle, aching and sharp pains that are sporadic, and ever moving. For years I pleaded, “make it stop Lord, give me rest”…
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” ~Psalm 73:26
“You're all I want in heaven! You're all I want on earth! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, GOD is rock-firm and faithful. Look! Those who left you are falling apart! Deserters, they'll never be heard from again. But I'm in the very presence of GOD—oh, how refreshing it is! I've made Lord GOD my home. GOD, I'm telling the world what you do!” ~Psalm 73:25-28 (The Message)
Evolution does occur, and “in me” it seems to be a steady stream of evolving in how I communicate with my heavenly Father – He so desires us to “talk” to Him. To carry on a conversation with Him as I do a friend, a parent, my creator – He so desires me to not only revere Him, but to see Him as approachable and someone I can trust with my deepest concerns, desires and yes, even my pain.
He is my physician, and I must learn with His guidance to become my own best practitioner by listening to my doctor.
I am given so many reassurances of God’s hand in my life – and I hear Him often through reading His word, listening to His word and just watching those around me. I have learned to not only, “pay attention” but to be “in tune” to that which surrounds me – He surrounds me.
“When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil. With one hand strike my foes, With your other hand save me. Finish what you started in me, GOD. Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now.” ~Psalm 138:7-8 (The Message)
So do I still plead with God to “take it away”? On occasion, but for the most part, I just talk to God, share my day, my heart of gratitude and as I drift off to sleep most nights, I feel the lifting of pain and pressure, the infusion of the Holy Spirit taking it away so that I can rest. And every night as I talk to my God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I know that He knows my needs, my desires and my heart better than I do, so words and pleading for the removal of pain is no longer necessary, but relief is already given.
“He who believes in Me [who cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Me] as the Scripture has said, From his innermost being shall flow [continuously] springs and rivers of living water.
But He was speaking here of the Spirit, Whom those who believed (trusted, had faith) in Him were afterward to receive. For the [Holy] Spirit had not yet been given, because Jesus was not yet glorified (raised to honor).” ~John 7:38-39 (Amplified Bible)